meet-me-in-1864:

AU/MEME - Elena writes in her diary about Damon 3x02

Dear Diary, 

Let me just start of by saying, I’m not Katherine.

Have you ever felt like you wanted something so bad you’d do just about anything to get it? That’s how I feel felt about Stefan. I thought he was my world, he was my breath and he was the reason why I was alive. So why do I feel like … myself when he’s not here. I feel like the girl that loved life is back, like she wants to learn how to smile again without any of this supernatural crap that’s been going on. Don’t get me wrong, as messed up as this sounds, I’d actually miss the supernatural crap - but that’s another story.

I feel guilty. No - guilty doesn’t even begin to describe it. I thought Stefan was the one. I really did, but why doesn’t Stefan make me feel the way he can. I tell myself over and over that it’s wrong. I shouldn’t feel this way about him but I do. You can’t help what the heart wants - and the heart wants him.

When he’s around I feel more like myself everyday. I feel my heart skip a beat and sure as hell hope he can’t hear that. My blood pounds in my ears when he’s closer and my breath quickens. He’s everything I don’t want. Selfish. Immoral. Reckless. Dangerous. 

But when I look at how far he’s come, I feel my chest swell with pride. He’s got a few flaws, sure everyone does, but his strengths far outweigh everything he’s done. He’s courageous, he’s brave, strong, caring and so, so, so protective. He’s done more for me than Stefan ever has and that scares me. It scares me to know that someone who knows he can never have me still loves me this recklessly.

He puts my safety before everything else in the world and makes me happy. He’s everything I’ve ever wanted and everything I don’t. I try to hide my feelings but I can’t help it. I catch myself staring at his beautiful lips. 

I don’t want to be like her. I am not following my doppleganger’s legacy. I will not let history repeat itself. Not because I love two brothers at the same time. No, it’s because I love one brother. That one brother who has done so much without asking anything from me. I know it’s not right. 

I promise when the time is right - I’ll tell him. I’ll him how much he means to me. I’ll tell him how he makes me feel. I’ll tell him I love him. And until that day comes, I’ll be by his side.

(via grahamsheart)